"Hi, my name is Rami, aka Monet. "

"But you can call me, The Mummy. "

"RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRR NO USING PATTERNS!!!!!!!"

"'Sorry, I would love to talk to you right now, but I can't.' ... I'm acting straight."

"I'm just THIS side of comatose. Tiki has me on drugs."

"I heard THAT -- I know the feeling. Mmm ... drugs."

"My design looks like a Members only jacket!??! Oh NO YOU DI-UNT! I'ma cut a bitch, right here in this studio -- I'm talkin' ssslice ssslice!! Get out my way!"

"Oh. Don't say bitch." Hoooooock - ptew. ... "RAINBOWS AND LOVE!"

"I'm the only thing fabulous about this episode."

"Well Tim....how bad is it?"

"Sweet P, I am going to be completely honest with you. It looks as if you shit your ass off and pinned it to a dress form. It is just egregiously bad."

"I am totally chafing in this."

"Soy Nina García, OKAY?! Cry before me!"
"OK!"

Life is hard.

ARROWED!!!!! "OH! It hurts. Where dat SKANKY BARBER WOMAN!?!"

Janie is NOT filled with the Christmas spirit.

The cats battled fiercely last night, and I heard Janie throw ... THROW ... Pitters against my door at least 3 times (once for every leg), followed by several minutes of gurgling-growls and tail-thumps.

Their wars inevitably end in Pitters making her MAD-DASH out of the room in a literal hissing-fit with Janie not far behind. I'm sure if I had a "paws"-mode for real life, I would see a smug-smile underneath those shifty eyes.

On the other hand, however, Pitters is lost in Christmas-land. At any moment I expect her to throw down some holly and bust out Mariah Carey, because you know she's a diva!

I'm thinking of a number between 1-55, take a guess at what it is. No, seriously, before you read on, think of a number.

Can I just say, that watching TV along with a full school schedule and a job at a TV station is not such an easy task -- in fact, I've only kept up with ... counting ... I've only kept up with four shows. That is Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters, Grey's Anatomy and (drumroll) America's Psychic Challenge (I know, right?).

Maybe this show is totally bogus, but it's great! The premise: 16 psychics from around the nation (ojo: conveniently located within the Los Angeles area) compete four at a time in tournament-style competition. Jolín!

Last Friday, the remaining four psychics competed in the semi-finals. A gay-empath and a ditsy-Blondie went home leaving Michelle, who says she comes "...from the light," and Jackie, a voodooist, who affectionately calls herself the White Serpent.

Even though Michelle says she "...works in the dark way," Jackie is my favorite (new meaning to bowl-cut!). How can you not LOVE a character who carries animal organs in her purse, constantly refers to herself as Ms. Jackie and, when touched, gets angry and mumbles, "I certainly wouldn't piss off a voodooist!" Plus, she kind of reminds me of Penny Marshall!

!

Click here to read more on the White Serpent.

I've only had a close encounter with one so-called-psychic. Her name was Tina Lee, a squat Hispanic woman who told me in a free-reading I'd have a long life on either the East or West Coast (I know, SPOOOKY-specific) and that I needed to balance-my-life through meditation holding crystals that only she owned in her shop on Massachusetts Street.

The first time I met her, I was scouting-psychics with a couple friends for a Halloween Event. We walked into her shop and she asked if she could help us. Pausing ever so slightly to see if she'd "read my mind," I was disappointed when I finally had to relent.

She gave my friend Mary a private reading in a cubicle in the middle of the bright fluorescent room while her kids watched Elmo on a big-screen, and I sneezed from the sage-incense and Mary Mother-of-God votive candles burning nearby.

She said Mary (my Mary, not the Mother-of-God) was an alcoholic in a past life. Her fee? $500/event. That's a lot of cash for a lot of clap-trap and oye, even though I got every one of the challenges wrong on America's Psychic Challenge, I think I should start reading!

By the way, the number I was thinking of was 26. If you got it, (or were in proximity) contact Lifetime now to participate in next season's competition. And don't miss the finale this Friday (or catch episodes online)!

With nearly 15 million viewers, Samantha Who? marks a turning point, or rather a returning point, in today's TV trends.

The new 30-minute comedy is the only kind of its class ranked consistently in Nielsen's Top weekly shows, even with a million-viewer drop off over the last few weeks.

Starring Married...With Children's Christina Applegate, Samantha Who? chronicals the life of a woman with retrograde amnesia as she slowly unveils the mysteries of her past.

The comedy also stars Designing Women's Jean Smart (a smart move by ABC) as Samantha's mother, who is set on exploiting her dauther's condition to be selected for Extreme Home Makeover, another ABC program. Gotta love the interadvertisement!

People today are quick to say Americans have short attention spans and won't dedicate themselves for long periods of time, but today's TV trends suggest otherwise. We have become so invested in story lines, networks have even canned the once-popular opening theme songs (stay tuned for the best of TV themes blog): Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy are two examples of shows that have already dropped their intros.

A refreshing break from these monotonous hour-long, dramatic-comedy trends, Samantha Who? is short and light and doesn't take itself too seriously.

Even while the story line isn't more complicated than a couple seasons, for now, at least, it's gold. On October 30, ABC picked up the show for the full season.

Samantha Who? airs Mondays on ABC (Sunflower Broadband ch. 9).