Friday, November 21, 2008

Better Hold On, Spider Monkey - Twilight, a Review

Rare are those movie moments that compel me to immediate blog action; having just witnessed a real gem, I am here to wish that rare they remain.

I try not to compare books to movies, but the movie Twilight actually felt like a spoof of the book. Following the plot-line so closely, it was one of those, "Scary Movie" flicks - only worse, because it took itself seriously, (fancy the work spoof-actors-of-America have ahead of them with this piece!)

Twilight was a hot mess on a hot summer day.
I came prepared with my "Team Edward because Jacob doesn't sparkle" t-shirt (with special hand-appliqued rhinestones!) matched with my Glittery smile and the best Twinkie persona in my closet, only to realize that I expended more time, effort and personality into my hand-made creation than the movie-makers of Twilight did in those 2 hours of craptasm.

Now, let's not fool ourselves, the unyielding, nauseating love in the book doesn't have the kind of prose that sings off the page, but the movie had all the character development and romantic thrill of a cheap porn, and when I could no longer stand the awkward intimacy between the two leads, I distracted myself thinking of clever names for the X-rated version while trying to dislodge a popcorn kernel from my gums.

Let's talk actors - Granted, Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella, looks the part well enough, but her mannish, awkward voice and unusual acting style took me out of the movie before the credits even started. And it couldn't have been ten minutes in before Bella meets Jacob (Taylor Lautner) - her Native-American love-interest, who was giving her the kind of stares that really do only belong in pornos. Once he was introduced, this Summit movie only went downhill, but I kept my silence, you know, trying to be polite.

Picture it: Jacob telling Bella how his tribe is supposedly descended by wolves and the Cullens are "cold ones".

Cut to: Stock sepia footage of wolves running through woods and the Cullens dressed in age-old attire feasting on humans.

While Jacob's acting did only get worse, then we were introduced to the guy who plays Edward, Robert Pattinson (whose forehead goes for days, doesn't it?). I thought he seemed like a poor pick for Edward, and I was totally vindicated.

Picture it: Bella takes her seat in biology. Edward is sitting at her lab table holding his nose and looking as though he's got a hurl or at least a good dry-heave coming.

Cut to: Me needing MY gag-bucket. The over-acting was strenuous - painful.

Picture it: Bella guessing what Edward is - with music-video like camera angles sweeping across the forest before landing in on a closeup of the leads.

Cut to: Me wondering if maybe we had somehow entered the wrong theater?

And then there's this chick named Jessica that we're supposed to hate, or rather, she's supposed to annoy us - like - ew, Jessica, go away. But sadly, Jessica was about the only good thing about the movie - like - please, Jessica, come back.

As for the rest of the Cullen coven, (who are all supposed to be timeless beauties), Rosalie had roots, Carlisle's makeup was too thick, Emmett was hot, Alice looked old, Esme was kind of non-descript and Jasper was a total freak. Seriously, he walked around with the kind of expression we might find in a Johnny Depp character.

I guess the fight scenes were kind of awesomely bad - I was loving the snarls and the intense stares -

Picture it: Edward's vampy sister, Alice, helping a bleeding Bella, while struggling to maintain her composure at the tasty treat.

Cut to: Her jumping on another vampire and RIPPING HIS HEAD OFF in blue-balled frustration.

Giggle. I had a violent laughing episode in response to that, and well, several other scenes once it became apparent that I wasn't the only one who thought this movie was just bad.

The music, the actors, the set design, the choreography ... everything was just WRONG.

Picture it: Edward staring into Bella's eyes and saying, "You're my life." Bella stumbling over the idea of Edward leaving her. Edward pretending to nap. An uncomfortable close-up of Bella's mother's face. Mike Newton humping a tree. The Gaysian. Edward's station wagon. Edward's sparkles, that really looked more like persperation, on a sparsely hairy chest.

Picture it: Edward flying with Bella up into a tree a la Crouching Tiger and saying, "Better hold on, Spider Monkey."

Cut to: Several more popcorn kernels becoming lodged in my gums on their way back out.

I can't wait for the sequel!

6 comments:

Allie said...

haha, your commentary during the movie at least made it bearable. Why we were the only 6 people laughing, no one knows...

Nice meeting you last night!

-Allie

ElizabethAnn said...

I wish a boy would lovingly call me his "spider monkey."

I'm glad there were other people in the theater laughing too. It was good talking with you guys after the movie.

~Elizabeteh

taylor said...

It was great to talk with you all, too - hey, we should all go together for, what's the next one, Eclipse?

How can we resist, I mean, really!?

Dezeree said...

Hey there,

Your comments during the movie were amazing. lol You made that movie even more funny!

Anonymous said...

Oh yay!

You put the picture that I took of you on this blog. Very cute.

And a very fun blog, by the way. I didn't even know you were keeping up "taylog" these days.

--beth

Anonymous said...

Hey! I was that other girl you met at the theater. We'll definitely have to do a reunion for the next movie. -Becca