Saturday, November 22, 2008

Shirtless Uniballer - Todd Reesing and Adolph Hitler

Right now, I'm working at a magazine in Topeka, and as part of my job, I get to use Google Analytics - a fascinating spy tool that tells you just about everything you've ever wanted to know about your Web site visitors.

For instance, did you know that people have visited Taylog in Turkey, Egypt, New Zealand (tell Lucy hi!), and some place called Saint Kitts & Nevis? And while most users were browsing in Internet Explorer, some came on a Playstation 3 and a Playstation Mobile?

Did you also know that, the search engine keyword typed most often that leads to my page is "todd reesing shirtless"?

*sigh*

Well, I thought that was kind of funny, especially because this blog has virtually nothing to do with Sports - and my attempts to actually take photos of Todd Reesing shirtless were, in effect, thwarted.

But, if that's what brought you here, be not disappointed - here's a photo I maliciously stole just for your appeasement.

Anti-climatic much?

Oh! And this just in:
Adolph Hitler really did have just one ball.

Karma can be a real bitch.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Better Hold On, Spider Monkey - Twilight, a Review

Rare are those movie moments that compel me to immediate blog action; having just witnessed a real gem, I am here to wish that rare they remain.

I try not to compare books to movies, but the movie Twilight actually felt like a spoof of the book. Following the plot-line so closely, it was one of those, "Scary Movie" flicks - only worse, because it took itself seriously, (fancy the work spoof-actors-of-America have ahead of them with this piece!)

Twilight was a hot mess on a hot summer day. I came prepared with my "Team Edward because Jacob doesn't sparkle" t-shirt (with special hand-appliqued rhinestones!) matched with my Glittery smile and the best Twinkie persona in my closet, only to realize that I expended more time, effort and personality into my hand-made creation than the movie-makers of Twilight did in those 2 hours of craptasm.

Now, let's not fool ourselves, the unyielding, nauseating love in the book doesn't have the kind of prose that sings off the page, but the movie had all the character development and romantic thrill of a cheap porn, and when I could no longer stand the awkward intimacy between the two leads, I distracted myself thinking of clever names for the X-rated version while trying to dislodge a popcorn kernel from my gums.

Let's talk actors - Granted, Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella, looks the part well enough, but her mannish, awkward voice and unusual acting style took me out of the movie before the credits even started. And it couldn't have been ten minutes in before Bella meets Jacob (Taylor Lautner) - her Native-American love-interest, who was giving her the kind of stares that really do only belong in pornos. Once he was introduced, this Summit movie only went downhill, but I kept my silence, you know, trying to be polite.

Picture it: Jacob telling Bella how his tribe is supposedly descended by wolves and the Cullens are "cold ones".

Cut to: Stock sepia footage of wolves running through woods and the Cullens dressed in age-old attire feasting on humans.

While Jacob's acting did only get worse, then we were introduced to the guy who plays Edward, Robert Pattinson (whose forehead goes for days, doesn't it?). I thought he seemed like a poor pick for Edward, and I was totally vindicated.

Picture it: Bella takes her seat in biology. Edward is sitting at her lab table holding his nose and looking as though he's got a hurl or at least a good dry-heave coming.

Cut to: Me needing MY gag-bucket. The over-acting was strenuous - painful.

Picture it: Bella guessing what Edward is - with music-video like camera angles sweeping across the forest before landing in on a closeup of the leads.

Cut to: Me wondering if maybe we had somehow entered the wrong theater?

And then there's this chick named Jessica that we're supposed to hate, or rather, she's supposed to annoy us - like - ew, Jessica, go away. But sadly, Jessica was about the only good thing about the movie - like - please, Jessica, come back.

As for the rest of the Cullen coven, (who are all supposed to be timeless beauties), Rosalie had roots, Carlisle's makeup was too thick, Emmett was hot, Alice looked old, Esme was kind of non-descript and Jasper was a total freak. Seriously, he walked around with the kind of expression we might find in a Johnny Depp character.

I guess the fight scenes were kind of awesomely bad - I was loving the snarls and the intense stares -

Picture it: Edward's vampy sister, Alice, helping a bleeding Bella, while struggling to maintain her composure at the tasty treat.

Cut to: Her jumping on another vampire and RIPPING HIS HEAD OFF in blue-balled frustration.

Giggle. I had a violent laughing episode in response to that, and well, several other scenes once it became apparent that I wasn't the only one who thought this movie was just bad.

The music, the actors, the set design, the choreography ... everything was just WRONG.

Picture it: Edward staring into Bella's eyes and saying, "You're my life." Bella stumbling over the idea of Edward leaving her. Edward pretending to nap. An uncomfortable close-up of Bella's mother's face. Mike Newton humping a tree. The Gaysian. Edward's station wagon. Edward's sparkles, that really looked more like persperation, on a sparsely hairy chest.

Picture it: Edward flying with Bella up into a tree a la Crouching Tiger and saying, "Better hold on, Spider Monkey."

Cut to: Several more popcorn kernels becoming lodged in my gums on their way back out.

I can't wait for the sequel!

Pushing Daisies Canceled

Sounds like even Young Ned has his life-restoring limits - Entertainment Weekly announced yesterday that ABC will order no more episodes of its BEST show, Pushing Daisies. While production will complete on all 13 episodes, the article says they may NOT be aired due to failing ratings.

This is the most depressing TV news since Friends decided to call it quits ... the time that it actually did.

Freshman series Eli Stone and sophomore Dirty Sexy Money also took the hit at ABC - but they deserved it. At the very least Dirty Sexy Money, which was neither innovative or different from myriad other self-promotion-esque shows.

Pushing Daisies is my favorite show on TV now. The costumes, the sets, the story-lines, the effects, they're all so graphic, so unusual, such a positive departure from other TV shows today. Voice-over-narration done RIGHT, quirky scenarios, dark humor, subversive commentaries on acceptable social norms and performances such as our treatment toward death/funerals, comfort food and sexual relationships. This show was evolution. I guess I forget the US has a problem with such change.

Simply put, there is nothing on TV as good as Pushing Daisies.

Everyday I'm starting to believe more and more in John Stuart Mill's description of the tyranny of the majority - how democracy is flawed because the majority is not always right.

To illustrate the point, in the past month there have been a few shining examples: the passing of Proposition 8, California's revocation of same-sex marriages, TV's insistence that Paris Hilton's broken relationship with some dude named Benji is actually interesting news, the strange success of Perez Hilton and the cancelation of MadTV.

To drive the knife in even further, ABC announced that it IS keeping Private Practice, a considerably WORSE SHOW, bumping it up to a more competitive spot on Thursday nights. Private Practice is good for only one thing - Taye Diggs - and even he is overshadowed by some over-bearing woman a trite TV relationship scenario that should have died with disco.

Remaining as impartial as possible, I can name several inferior, uninnovative shows that should have kicked the can long before Pushing Daisies: Private Practice, The Bachelor, Brothers & Sisters, According to Jim, Dancing with the Stars, Super Nanny, Scrubs to name a few on ABC - and although I hope they don't cancel them, Pushing Daisies IS better than Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy.

On other networks there are shows I do like and are doing swimingly that are not nearly as good as Pushing Daisies: Heroes, True Blood, Dexter, and Kath & Kim.

Pushing Daisies was a star in an otherwise blasé American TV line-up that is supposedly in its platinum period. Color me disappointed in ABC, call me sad about the future of TV, and think of me unhappy with the people of California and TV watchers everywhere.

Because of you, even Young Ned can't save our stinking TV souls.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Shooting Todd Reesing

Photo shoot with Todd Reesing: Kansas Quarterback

Get it?

If you did, congratulate yourself. You're analytical. For Quarterback Todd, Creative Director Darby and Public Relations Rep, Scott was it?, the humor was not so clear. For the majority of my friends, being analytical is not a problem. But in the rare case the joke in this photo is not immediately presentable, I give you Todd Reesing the Kansas Back of the Quarter.

I thought it was genius. I awoke from a bad dream, and it came to me uninvited like a headache or the here-and-there gay attack. I called it destiny. Darby called it strange. Still though, I was the photographer, and if a Kansas Quarter was what I wanted, then who were they to tell me different. Todd played it cool, even though, after a lengthy description, he still didn't quite understand the idea. But that's OK because he has a Public Relations Rep.

I recently got my new Camera, a stylish Canon 5d with a nice lens and an assortment of unordered, but not charged for, accessories. I like accessories, so I decided to keep them, and consider it cashing in on some good karma. I also ordered a lensbaby, a fisheye and a ringlight.

A lensbaby allows you to selectively focus one particular part of an image, without having to edit in photoshop. The effect is awesome, but the technique is almost impossible. After several tries, and a lot of patience on both mine and Todd's parts, eventually I came out with a decent, if not great, photo.

Todd is a cute guy, but to my credit, he photographs better than in person. Tan and muscled but short, baby blues and gleaming teeth, he wore a plain gray shirt with quilted shorts and flip-flops, just another summer frat boy, who runs around as a celebrity in some crowds. He's 19, maybe 20, and while you can see the child in him, it's obvious that his Public Relations Rep has him on a short leash. His jersey came down to his knees, literally. He told me that all the jerseys are that low to prevent, uh. "Plumber's crack?" I offered. He smiled and said something about the other team grabbing and tearing at his clothes.

I think it was unusual for him to speak to a non-fan. But I also think he appreciated it.

I'm told that he arrived 45 minutes late because of another student athlete Sherron Collins. Apparently the basketball player is embroiled in some sort of sexual civil suit, and the KU Public Relations and Athletic's department had more important things to deal with than a lousy photoshoot. When Todd arrived, he came without his jersey and football, and they had to be brought by Scott's assistant. A small inconvenience, but not altogether without perks.

Until then, I told Todd we could take a few studio shots. "You know, something real GQ," I said. "I mean, surely you've got a life outside of football, right? Let's show that." He smiled confusingly and agreed.

I decided to use the ring light. I really like the raw glow of the ringlight, and even while Darby didn't love this shot, I saw the sexual appeal of him as raw and smileless. I would have gone so far as shirtless, to really capture his sex appeal, had not Darby been uncomfortable asking. I was prepared to make him sweat and then photograph him shirtless. They didn't seem to understand that sex sells.

It was a good shoot that I prepared for all day. And thanks to the help of a friend, and the faith people keep having in my photography skills, I think, someday, I might really be able to do this.